First Holidays After Divorce: How to Cope and Rebuild

Build a Holiday “Not-to-Do” List

Most people plan what they are going to do during the holidays. Justin suggests planning what you will not do when emotions are high. That matters because stress can narrow attention and impair working memory, response inhibition, and flexible decision-making. It is more accurate to say stress can make thoughtful decisions harder than to say the rational brain simply “shuts off.”

A useful not-to-do list might include: I will not send an angry text after drinking. I will not make a major financial or parenting decision in the middle of a holiday argument. I will not use social media to compare my new reality with someone else’s highlight reel. I will not put my children in the middle of an adult dispute.

Research reviews on stress and executive function support this basic strategy: when pressure is high, your capacity for inhibition, attention, and flexible thinking can be compromised. That is a good reason to create your rules before you are triggered.

Co-Parent the Holiday From the Big Picture

Jill’s strongest co-parenting advice is perspective. Do not turn the crisis of the day into the entire divorce. Ask what you want the long-term parenting relationship to look like and what your children need to remember about how you handled this season.

That does not mean celebrating together. A joint holiday only works if both parents can reliably stay calm, respectful, and child-focused. If one comment could ignite a scene in front of the children, separate celebrations may be healthier.

Holiday dates are also more flexible than they can feel. Christmas Eve, Christmas morning, a later family dinner, or a Hanukkah celebration on a different night can still carry meaning. The goal is not ownership of a date. It is meaningful time with your children.

Use written communication when the conversation is tense

Jill often recommends email because you can draft, pause, review the tone, and remove the old marital argument from the scheduling issue. For higher-conflict exchanges, the BIFF method is a useful structure: keep the message Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm.

For a deeper scheduling and communication framework, see Reclaim & Reboot’s existing Holiday Co-Parenting Guide.

You Do Not Have to Compete With the Other Household

A parent with less money may watch the other household book the bigger trip, buy the more expensive gift, or host the more impressive celebration and feel as though they are losing. Jill’s answer is simple: your relationship with your children is not a spending contest.

Connection is built through attention, consistency, conversation, shared rituals, and the feeling of being known. If the other parent can afford more, let that be true without turning your home into a financial arms race. A child can enjoy a vacation with one parent and still treasure hot chocolate, a movie, a hike, a homemade dinner, or a night of music with the other.

The same principle applies when relatives criticize your ex in front of the kids. Redirect the moment and address the adult privately. Children should not have to defend one parent while celebrating with the other family.

Build a Holiday “Not-to-Do” List

Most people plan what they are going to do during the holidays. Justin suggests planning what you will not do when emotions are high. That matters because stress can narrow attention and impair working memory, response inhibition, and flexible decision-making. It is more accurate to say stress can make thoughtful decisions harder than to say the rational brain simply “shuts off.”

A useful not-to-do list might include: I will not send an angry text after drinking. I will not make a major financial or parenting decision in the middle of a holiday argument. I will not use social media to compare my new reality with someone else’s highlight reel. I will not put my children in the middle of an adult dispute.

Research reviews on stress and executive function support this basic strategy: when pressure is high, your capacity for inhibition, attention, and flexible thinking can be compromised. That is a good reason to create your rules before you are triggered.

Co-Parent the Holiday From the Big Picture

Jill’s strongest co-parenting advice is perspective. Do not turn the crisis of the day into the entire divorce. Ask what you want the long-term parenting relationship to look like and what your children need to remember about how you handled this season.

That does not mean celebrating together. A joint holiday only works if both parents can reliably stay calm, respectful, and child-focused. If one comment could ignite a scene in front of the children, separate celebrations may be healthier.

Holiday dates are also more flexible than they can feel. Christmas Eve, Christmas morning, a later family dinner, or a Hanukkah celebration on a different night can still carry meaning. The goal is not ownership of a date. It is meaningful time with your children.

Use written communication when the conversation is tense

Jill often recommends email because you can draft, pause, review the tone, and remove the old marital argument from the scheduling issue. For higher-conflict exchanges, the BIFF method is a useful structure: keep the message Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm.

For a deeper scheduling and communication framework, see Reclaim & Reboot’s existing Holiday Co-Parenting Guide.

You Do Not Have to Compete With the Other Household

A parent with less money may watch the other household book the bigger trip, buy the more expensive gift, or host the more impressive celebration and feel as though they are losing. Jill’s answer is simple: your relationship with your children is not a spending contest.

Connection is built through attention, consistency, conversation, shared rituals, and the feeling of being known. If the other parent can afford more, let that be true without turning your home into a financial arms race. A child can enjoy a vacation with one parent and still treasure hot chocolate, a movie, a hike, a homemade dinner, or a night of music with the other.

The same principle applies when relatives criticize your ex in front of the kids. Redirect the moment and address the adult privately. Children should not have to defend one parent while celebrating with the other family.

When the Kids Are Away, Do the Work That Belongs to You

The hardest hours of the holiday may also be the first uninterrupted hours you have had in months. Jill encourages people to use some of that time for rebuilding rather than only distraction. That does not mean every minute has to become a self-improvement project. Rest is allowed. Netflix is allowed. The point is to make room for something that moves you forward too.

Exercise is one practical tool. The CDC notes that even a single session of moderate-to-vigorous activity can reduce feelings of anxiety, and regular physical activity supports sleep and lowers the risk of depression. A walk, a gym session, skiing, cycling, or any movement you genuinely enjoy can be part of your reset.

Jill also recommends journaling because writing forces you to name what is happening instead of letting the feelings stay vague and overwhelming. Justin describes doing a self-development course during his first holiday season alone and noticing that writing his answers took him deeper than simply thinking about them.

This is not about blaming yourself for the marriage ending. It is about learning enough from the relationship that you do not carry the same habits into the next chapter.

Redefine What “Thriving” Means

Thriving during divorce does not have to mean feeling joyful every day. Justin reframes it as forward movement. Last week you could not get out of bed; today you took a walk. Last month every exchange became a fight; today you sent one calm email. You spent one holiday hour grieving and then joined a friend for dinner. Those are gains.

That perspective also prevents unrealistic New Year’s promises. Jill’s advice is to choose something sustainable rather than declaring that January will fix everything. If you have not exercised in months, a daily two-hour gym commitment is probably not the plan. A walk three times a week may actually survive February.

Think about an old interest you want back. Jill returned to skiing. Justin did the same during his divorce. Your version might be music, travel, hiking, cooking, volunteering, a class, or reconnecting with friends. Divorce changes your obligations, but it can also create space to rediscover parts of yourself that disappeared inside married life.

Five Holiday Permission Slips

• You may celebrate on a different date. Meaning does not depend on a square on the calendar.
• You may leave a gathering that is becoming toxic. Protecting your peace is not rude.
• You may miss your children and still enjoy yourself. Those two feelings can coexist.
• You may create a smaller holiday. Expensive does not mean meaningful.
• You may start over. A tradition is allowed to begin this year.

The Bottom Line

The season will come whether you feel ready or not. Make a plan for the hours without your children. Keep your co-parenting communication calm and specific. Refuse to compete over presents. Get support before you are isolated. Then use one piece of the holiday to reconnect with the person you are becoming.

“The holidays are meant for joy, not perfection.”
— Justin Milrad

You do not need a perfect holiday to prove you are healing. You need a few deliberate choices that make the season a little safer, a little more connected, and a little more yours.